Embittered

Your face still lingers in my mind, your scent, your touch, your voice, your lips are still stuck somewhere in my brain. I still long for those. There are times that I subconsciously imagine those nights that we were together, full of passion, emotion, caress, hopes and promises; but as my mind shifts to reality, those things turn into thorns that slowly deepening in my heart. Those nights were over, and the saddest part is, I can’t get over you. I wanted to hate you but I can’t. I wanted to smile whenever I think of you but instead, I weep.

Fate has a bizarrely sadistic sense of humor. Our paths crossed once more. When I saw you I felt a sudden pain in my soul, as if I died that moment. I wanted to walk away but my legs are numb, then you saw me and walked towards me, smiling and waving. You are fu*king okay, and your aura projected strongly happy energy. You talked to me as if we were long time friends who met again after a decade, but for me, I can’t hide my emotions. As I talked, my voice trembled and my heart beats harder and faster than usual, as if it would burst out of my chest. A rueful experience that I wish I didn’t have.

I wanted to smile but tears flowed from my eyes. I wanted to show you that I’m okay but I can’t. I wanted to hug you but I’m badly hurt. I missed you but I wish I didn’t see you. I hate you but I love you more.

For the past months I was hoaxing with myself. Trying to act like I’m okay, that I enjoy the freedom that you granted me. I’m happy because I’m free but deep inside, my heart is bleeding, because the truth is when you set me free I refused to let go, I’m still embracing the chain that was once locked in my legs. I don’t want to let go even if it’s starting to kill me emotionally.

I don’t know, I think I’m starting to like being hurt by your memories, enjoying the feeling of fusion of hate and love. A masochist, I’m starting to be and it’s because of your broken promises, promises that I know I shouldn’t believe on, but you were so damn good at it. I was like a kid who believed in the surreal world that you created for me. A world full of lies but I chose to stay.

Thank you for giving me a chance to experience the bitter-sweet feeling of love and for teaching me to embrace pain, but you forgot one important thing…

…teaching me how to escape from this melancholy.