For you. (the original entry)

"I know I wounded you so deeply and the trauma that it caused you will never be disremembered, and I promise you, this will be the last.."

I am being selfish, and I know I shouldn't be.

I feel like i'm being taken for granted, I know you have many priorities and I'm not even at the least. We've talked about this many times but then nothing happened. I'm still not in your list of priorities. Yes! I am demanding it! but you didn't heed, however I understand you, I wounded you so deeply, and the trauma that it caused you, holds you back from giving me what I demand.

Remember when I first said "i love you"? You replied "Thank you!". Still, I hold on to that, I understand how you feel that time, and I know that it is may fault. I wounded you so deeply, and the trauma that it caused you, holds back those three special words to be uttered.

I asked you of our status and you told me that you are not ready for a commitment. You kept me hanging for a month, but then I tried to hold on, because I understand you, I wounded you so deeply, and the trauma that it caused you, holds you back from trusting me.

There are times that I needed someone to talk to, but you were no where to be found. You didn't even bother to ask how am I doing or how is it going. I felt alone but I understand you, I wounded you so deeply, and the trauma that it caused you, holds you back from caring for me.

I understand you! All of these things are my fault and I am the one that should be blamed. You were always caring and thoughtful but I never appreciated it. I was so idealistic to look for something that you don't have. I was blinded by my touchstone and failed to see the beauty that you possess, kindness that you display. You tried to understand me but in return I treated you with antipathy. I was so stupid to doubt the love that you are giving, thinking that it was nothing but a game.

Now the ghost that I created in the past was haunting me, causes me to lose control of my sanity. This is where the paranoia coming from. Scared of my own footprints, scared that the things I've done will be thrown back to me. It was all my fault, I failed to appreciate you.

I am deeply in love with you Siopao. Insanely in love but I am not happy anymore...

I tried to understand you but my understanding has ended right this very moment. I can not continue what ever we have, because I can not bear the pain that I'm giving you, I know the wound that you have will leave a mark forever, and I don't want the trauma that it caused you turn into fear of loving again. The guilt is eating me, it slowly embracing my soul, and I'm starting to suffocate. I am now being strangled to death and as I desperately grasp for air, the things that I've done flashed back in to my mind. Even I, can't bear it. The pain that I've caused you doubled when it echoed back to me.

I'm like a prisoner trying to un-strangle the manacle of guilt in my soul, and the chain of pain in my heart; but as I scuffle to free my self, both are tightening up and crushing them into pieces. Like a prisoner, there's only one thing in my mind...

I want to be free...

see yah.


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This entry was edited before I posted it last time. We tried to patch things up but it didn't work, so I decided to post the original entry.