Embittered

Your face still lingers in my mind, your scent, your touch, your voice, your lips are still stuck somewhere in my brain. I still long for those. There are times that I subconsciously imagine those nights that we were together, full of passion, emotion, caress, hopes and promises; but as my mind shifts to reality, those things turn into thorns that slowly deepening in my heart. Those nights were over, and the saddest part is, I can’t get over you. I wanted to hate you but I can’t. I wanted to smile whenever I think of you but instead, I weep.

Fate has a bizarrely sadistic sense of humor. Our paths crossed once more. When I saw you I felt a sudden pain in my soul, as if I died that moment. I wanted to walk away but my legs are numb, then you saw me and walked towards me, smiling and waving. You are fu*king okay, and your aura projected strongly happy energy. You talked to me as if we were long time friends who met again after a decade, but for me, I can’t hide my emotions. As I talked, my voice trembled and my heart beats harder and faster than usual, as if it would burst out of my chest. A rueful experience that I wish I didn’t have.

I wanted to smile but tears flowed from my eyes. I wanted to show you that I’m okay but I can’t. I wanted to hug you but I’m badly hurt. I missed you but I wish I didn’t see you. I hate you but I love you more.

For the past months I was hoaxing with myself. Trying to act like I’m okay, that I enjoy the freedom that you granted me. I’m happy because I’m free but deep inside, my heart is bleeding, because the truth is when you set me free I refused to let go, I’m still embracing the chain that was once locked in my legs. I don’t want to let go even if it’s starting to kill me emotionally.

I don’t know, I think I’m starting to like being hurt by your memories, enjoying the feeling of fusion of hate and love. A masochist, I’m starting to be and it’s because of your broken promises, promises that I know I shouldn’t believe on, but you were so damn good at it. I was like a kid who believed in the surreal world that you created for me. A world full of lies but I chose to stay.

Thank you for giving me a chance to experience the bitter-sweet feeling of love and for teaching me to embrace pain, but you forgot one important thing…

…teaching me how to escape from this melancholy.

Are you ready for this? (why emos are emos)

Love moves in mysterious ways. Well for me love hasn’t moved in anyways. I am very unsure if I had fall in love, unsure of the feeling of love.

Other said that love should be patience, understanding, complete trust, sacrifice and giving. (never thought that love is this demanding) Well my interpretation of love, based on what I had experienced in my past relationships is; demands attention and time, jealousy and paranoia, sleeping late at night, cell phone load-wasting, depression, cheesy, always in a rut and completely unproductive. Is this something that you want to deal with?

Yes, at first, you are in complete ecstasy whenever you’re with him, staring at his angelic face and shiny smile (like those in the movies). Butterflies are all over the place, roses bloom in your path ways, sky is always blue and the moon is always romantic. “The song Close to you” (…”Why do birds suddenly appear every time when you are near? Just like me, they long to be close to you…nah…nah… nah…nah…la…la…lalalala…”) seems to be the perfect song to describe how you feel.

After all of these stupid ecstatic feeling, the rain comes. It reminds you of excruciating pain that your relationship brought you. Each drop of rain on your rooftop creates a repeated sound that makes you feel like it stabs you right in your heart. Then you’ll feel numb like a frozen meat in a freezer, and you’ll curse him because he is the reason why you are in this cheesy melancholy.

Now you’ll make a pact with yourself that you’ll never fall in love again and this shall never be broken.

This whole thing will give you a short post-traumatic-depression that will make you lonesome and will leave a mark forever. Is this something that you wanted? Again ask yourself this question. “ Are you ready for this?

See yah.

Are you feeling pressured right now?

It's February, the Junior-Senior prom and Valentines season. Twenty four years of dateless nights during this rut. Everybody is busy looking for prom dates and thinking what would they wear for the night. Well it should be special and stunningly elegant. Just to show to their colleagues how superior they are, in terms of their physiques and pretty faces. Ironically these people are zombies. If a mad scientist would open their skulls to assess their brains the findings would be slightly used, and if you sell it to ukay-ukay bargains, it will worth a fortune.

Some people say that high school is fun and memorable because of this much awaited event in your junior and senior years. Yeah right, it's memorable but definitely not fun, at least for a loner, bully-magnet, geek (okay not so geek) mongoloid kid like I were in high school, no dates in prom nights. In fact I never had a girl friend nor kiss anyone in high school. I even thought before that someone mistakenly place a superior soul in an ugly duckling, pathetic and geeky-structured body.

Everyone is hooked with this Valentines fever, seems that having a date during these times is compulsory. Everybody dreads to be alone, I cant see the logic why. Then there is the Lovapalooza where participating couples kiss simultaneously for few minutes to beat its own record and a cliche of course, express their love to their partners. To join in this event you and your partner will be given two forms, one clearly states for "female" and another one is for "male". It obviously states that this event is not for same sex relationships. Well the essence of love is understanding and accepting the person regardless of his religion, status, gender or wahatsoever. So it was never successful ever since it started. It didn't achieve its true objective.

Then there's one big question for singles like me.Valentines Day is coming...Are you feeling pressured right now? My answer is, "the hell I care!"

How about you? Are you feeling pressured right now?

See yah!

For you. (the original entry)

"I know I wounded you so deeply and the trauma that it caused you will never be disremembered, and I promise you, this will be the last.."

I am being selfish, and I know I shouldn't be.

I feel like i'm being taken for granted, I know you have many priorities and I'm not even at the least. We've talked about this many times but then nothing happened. I'm still not in your list of priorities. Yes! I am demanding it! but you didn't heed, however I understand you, I wounded you so deeply, and the trauma that it caused you, holds you back from giving me what I demand.

Remember when I first said "i love you"? You replied "Thank you!". Still, I hold on to that, I understand how you feel that time, and I know that it is may fault. I wounded you so deeply, and the trauma that it caused you, holds back those three special words to be uttered.

I asked you of our status and you told me that you are not ready for a commitment. You kept me hanging for a month, but then I tried to hold on, because I understand you, I wounded you so deeply, and the trauma that it caused you, holds you back from trusting me.

There are times that I needed someone to talk to, but you were no where to be found. You didn't even bother to ask how am I doing or how is it going. I felt alone but I understand you, I wounded you so deeply, and the trauma that it caused you, holds you back from caring for me.

I understand you! All of these things are my fault and I am the one that should be blamed. You were always caring and thoughtful but I never appreciated it. I was so idealistic to look for something that you don't have. I was blinded by my touchstone and failed to see the beauty that you possess, kindness that you display. You tried to understand me but in return I treated you with antipathy. I was so stupid to doubt the love that you are giving, thinking that it was nothing but a game.

Now the ghost that I created in the past was haunting me, causes me to lose control of my sanity. This is where the paranoia coming from. Scared of my own footprints, scared that the things I've done will be thrown back to me. It was all my fault, I failed to appreciate you.

I am deeply in love with you Siopao. Insanely in love but I am not happy anymore...

I tried to understand you but my understanding has ended right this very moment. I can not continue what ever we have, because I can not bear the pain that I'm giving you, I know the wound that you have will leave a mark forever, and I don't want the trauma that it caused you turn into fear of loving again. The guilt is eating me, it slowly embracing my soul, and I'm starting to suffocate. I am now being strangled to death and as I desperately grasp for air, the things that I've done flashed back in to my mind. Even I, can't bear it. The pain that I've caused you doubled when it echoed back to me.

I'm like a prisoner trying to un-strangle the manacle of guilt in my soul, and the chain of pain in my heart; but as I scuffle to free my self, both are tightening up and crushing them into pieces. Like a prisoner, there's only one thing in my mind...

I want to be free...

see yah.


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This entry was edited before I posted it last time. We tried to patch things up but it didn't work, so I decided to post the original entry.

A night in a pressure cooker.

This place is just like a huge pressure cooker, i can feel the boiling water penetrates my skin and slowly cooking me, but instead of me being tender after long hours in this big pressure cooker, I am beginning to be dense as a rock. It makes my whole body numb and I can't feel anything. Is this the end of me? am I nothing but a failure? Do I deserve this?


OF COURSE NOT! There's no way that I'm going to end up like this. I can feel the adrenalin rush! It slowly spreads to my whole system. Fighting the stupefying effect of this pressure cooker. Makes me think fast and effectively. Fighting not to be emotionally deteriorated.


I am now making my way out of this exhausting situation, composing my self again, and picking up the scattred pieces of me from the floor. Freeing my self from this fucking Pressure Cooker.
I'm feeling better now. I can do this! just focus. Think of happy thoughts and my goal. Nothing can stop me in my race to success not even a pressure cooker or even you, dumb ass, no matter how you demotivate me or try to outrage me, YOU CAN'T STOP ME!

see yah